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Topic: Toilet Etiquette
Bandage (2,059 Posts)	Posted: 19-Jul-2007 15:56	Quote Edit Delete Report Post Post Reply
Bandage (2,059 Posts)	The toilets on my floor in the office have 4 traps. I always go right down to trap 4 as it keeps me away from potentially prying eyes and ears. If I go in and there's already someone in trap 4 then I'll go to trap 1 to keep me as far away as possible from toxic fumes - I think this offsets the risk of being close to the door. Similarly enough if there's people in traps 2 and 4 then I'll go to trap 1 as it'd be reckless in the extreme to bolt into trap 3 and leave yourself open to a veritable sht sandwich. If 3 of the 4 traps are full then I won't go in and make it a full house, rather I'll go up or down to the toilets on one of the other floors. There's just something too homoerotic about 4 men all lined up taking a dump at the same time and I don't want any hand, act or part in it. That build up leads me to what just happened to me a few minutes ago. I went into the toilets and there was nobody else in there so I went straight for trap 4. I was sitting there minding my own business when someone burst in and, quite inexplicably, headed into trap 3 right beside me while leaving traps 1 and 2 empty. Worse was to follow - this person, judging by the noises emanating from the trap, emptied out a great deal of excrement. Then, amazingly, he flushed, zipped and stormed out of the cubicle and subsequently out of the toilets - without even washing his hands. I'm not sure who it was but I have two prime suspects, the main reason being they're both from Offaly. But whichever one of them it was I'd hate to be their keyboard or pen for the rest of the day. It was disgusting behaviour and if I was in a senior enough role then I'd go down to the two of them and tell them to take their sht and leave - literally. I'm in a state of severe shock here.
Swinging Dangler (942 Posts)	Posted: 19-Jul-2007 16:07	Quote Edit Delete Report Post Post Reply
Swinging Dangler (942 Posts)	Maybe they panicked. Proper etiquette as far as I'm concerned is to always wait until the other person has finished and left before you come out of your cubicle - best for both sides really. It is indeed shocking, the number of people who don't wash their hands after taking a dump. Urination is a different matter - even though I always wash my hands, there is a good argument for not doing it in a public toilet .... However my pet hate is those who use cubicles for a slash, making people who need them wait. The worst type of these are those who p**s all over the seat. They are scum!! P.S. no one over the age of 45 washes their hands in Croke Park ... it's a generaitonal thing
artfoley (3,937 Posts)	Posted: 19-Jul-2007 16:22	Quote Edit Delete Report Post Post Reply
artfoley (3,937 Posts)	Originally posted by Bandage: Toilet Etiquette one of the girls has just lifted the veils of womens toilet and sent me this When you have to visit a public loo there is invariably a line of women, you smile politely and take your place, it finally gets to your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors. Every one is occupied... but eventually a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your knickers! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" is handy, but empty. You would hang your handbag on a door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, yank down your knickers, and assume "The Position." In this position your ageing, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Position." To take your mind off your trembling thighs for a moment you reach for - horror of horrors - an empty toilet paper dispenser. Your thighs start to shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your handbag which is now burning your neck and shoulders with the weight. So you contort your arm into a very unnatural position and start to fumble around in the deep dark depths of your handbag for that small crumpled 'used' tissue no bigger than your thumbnail. Someone pushes your door and because the latch doesn't work it hits your head which is bent over from holding the hanging handbag, and you start to topple backward. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door and drop the precious, tiny, crumpled tissue you had only just retrieved with your index finger into an unknown puddle on the floor... if that isn't enough you lose your balance altogether and gravity pulls you down... directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet, of course, you bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form that lives on the uncovered seat. By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose into the bowl which sprays a fine mist of water that covers your rear end and runs down your legs along with the various life forms and down into your dishevelled knickers which have now dropped down to your ankles. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe yourself with a piece of gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out conspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the taps, so you run your hands underneath it grateful for the 2 drops there, then around the basin itself. You go to the towel dispenser past the line of women still waiting, where of course there are no paper towels so you move over to the hand blower, which, yes you've guessed it, also doesn't work. You are no longer able to smile politely to the women, but there is an unspoken understanding between you all. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you have a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the Men's. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your handbag hanging around your neck?" This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public loos. It also finally explains to the men what really does take us so long and also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the loo in pairs. It's so the other one can hold the door, hang onto your handbag and hand you Kleenex under the door!
Mondo (178 Posts)	Posted: 19-Jul-2007 16:29	Quote Edit Delete Report Post Post Reply
Mondo (178 Posts)	Oh the psing all over the seat thing really gets my goat!! Whatever about fellas slashing all over the seat in a pub/nightclub- the ould radar does go a bit skewwith after a feed of pints- those that do it in the cold light of day in the workplace should have to wear a sign around their necks saying they are horrible Cts! The amount of times Ive gone in for a sitdown in work, checked all three cubicles & there's ps all over the seats is shocking. Only 1 set of toilets in the building so whats a man to do only use half a roll of bogroll & clean the seat after them. Makes me sick- all grown men & they havent the dignity to clean up there own ps. Backshturds! Worse again is when you see the fella thats after coming out only to go in & survey the devastation he's left behind him! They should be ashamed of themselves. Dirty savages! My motto is lift the seat or use the urinal if you cant aim straight into the bowl.
Dr Zoidberg (221 Posts)	Posted: 19-Jul-2007 17:04	Quote Edit Delete Report Post Post Reply
Dr Zoidberg (221 Posts)	Lads psing on the seat is the most infuriating thing I have ever come across. LIFT THE FKING SEAT!!! It's bad enough when it happens in a public jacks, but I lived with a guy who regularly psed all over the seat and floor. Worse yet was that he had an en suite in his own room, but insisted on using the main toilet, both of which were upstairs, so it made no difference to him. When I asked him politely to either sit down when taking a ps, or at least lift the seat he laughed it off. I moved out shortly after. But having dealt with this situation, and spent some time analysing it, I came to think that people out there deliberatley ps on the seat/floor, as some sort of "marking their territory" ritual. I can see no other explanation. The jacks here in college are regulalry destroyed by either ps...on seat, floor and even walls, sht, again on seat and occasaionally walls (!!!) and also occasionally semen, with the perpetrator leaving a little note on the wall proudly exclaiming that it was them who'd had the offending wk.. You'd think that during the summer, with no undergrads around, things might improve, and to some extent they do. I've only seen sht on a seat once since the start of the summer, and no semen for a couple of months, but most times when I go into a cubicle, there's ps everywhere. Another regular occurence is lads filling up the jacks with bogroll, so it's up to the top, and so it can't even be flushed for fear of flooding the place. CTS! This message has been edited - 19-jul-2007 @ 17:07
Man from Delmonte (459 Posts)	Posted: 19-Jul-2007 17:50	Quote Edit Delete Report Post Post Reply
Man from Delmonte (459 Posts)	Filling up the jacks with bog roll is the worst of the worst. And to think some poor fker will have to come into the jacks afterwards to clear the fking thing. The worst of the lot is locking up at a trough under pressure from a heavy queue behind. Happened to me the odd time after a rake of drinking. This message has been edited - 19-jul-2007 @ 17:52
SHANNONSIDER** (8,499 Posts)	Posted: 19-Jul-2007 18:01	Quote Edit Delete Report Post Post Reply
SHANNONSIDER** (8,499 Posts)	In what peculiar set of circumstances should the toilet cover be deployed please?
Dr Zoidberg (221 Posts)	Posted: 19-Jul-2007 18:07	Quote Edit Delete Report Post Post Reply
Dr Zoidberg (221 Posts)	Originally posted by SHANNONSIDER: In what peculiar set of circumstances should the toilet cover be deployed please? You know when you encounter a toilet with the lid down that it can't be a good sign. 90% of the time you lift the lid to find a creation of Satan himself, and you just know the b*d who left it behind is laughing away somewhere, sick twisted fk that he is. At least if the lid is up you have a fair idea what's in there before you get too near. By the time you've lifted the lid, you're up close and personal and you've touched the f**kin thing. If there's an option, I will always leave a closed lid closed, and go to another cubicle. It's the fear of the unknown that's the greatest fear.
GCheasty (768 Posts)	Posted: 19-Jul-2007 18:23	Quote Edit Delete Report Post Post Reply
GCheasty (768 Posts)	Originally posted by Bandage: The toilets on my floor in the office have 4 traps. There's just something too homoerotic about 4 men all lined up taking a dump at the same time and I don't want any hand, act or part in it. Jaysus you must have some weird ideas of what's erotic and what isn't!
Posh Spice (1,383 Posts)	Posted: 19-Jul-2007 19:01	Quote Edit Delete Report Post Post Reply
Posh Spice (1,383 Posts)	yerra, i'd say half of ye were wiping yere arses with doc leaves not so long ago or using squares of newspaper down in the local pub. tis far from toilet seats ye were reared
Bandage (2,059 Posts)	Posted: 19-Jul-2007 19:09	Quote Edit Delete Report Post Post Reply
Bandage (2,059 Posts)	Originally posted by reg reagan: Jaysus you must have some weird ideas of what's erotic and what isn't! Fair point Reginald. I was telling the lads in the house about the earlier incident and they told me to look up 'Male Restroom Etiquette' on YouTube - it's a good watch.
An Fear Rua (Editor)	Posted: 19-Jul-2007 19:13	Quote Edit Delete Report Post Post Reply
An Fear Rua (Editor)	Originally posted by Posh Spice: yerra, i'd say half of ye were wiping yere arses with doc leaves not so long ago or using squares of newspaper down in the local pub. tis far from toilet seats ye were reared Yes, apparently 'Ireland's Own' had great absorbency. Unfortunately, too many magazines these days are printed on glossy paper. Maybe the Green Party manifesto could be recycled.
JoNinety (Power User)	Posted: 19-Jul-2007 20:02	Quote Edit Delete Report Post Post Reply
JoNinety (Power User)	A lot of people have those wooden toilet seats which are too thick for the toilet seat to stay up on it's own accord so you're left with a dilemma. 1. Sit down to go for a pss. 2. Go for a pss with the toilet seat down and either get very close to the target to guarantee accuracy or pss as normal and just wipe up after you 3. Pss one handed with the other hand used to keep the toilet seat up or the one I use.... 4. Stand to the side, using your right knee to keep the toilet seat up. At first you get a bit disorientated with this new position but after a while you find it very handy especially if you're one of those people like me who's accuracy is usually good along the Y-axis and it's the X-axis that causes you difficulty. An even bigger dilemma is where the toilet seat just barely stays up but it's like balancing a golf ball on top of another. You think it's safe to continue if the seat stays up for two seconds, but invariably the toilet seat comes crashing down while you're in full flow. As the seat falls the stream of urine gets deflected in all directions, you panic and try and grab the seat but now your urine isn't being directed so goes everywhere like an out of control fireman's hose, you're too slow to catch it and the seat hits the porcelain with a crack that can be heard throughout the whole house, so you come downstairs after creating a huge racket, wetting the floor and the toilet seat, a wet patch in your pants and to the top it all off the toilet seat gives your mickey a slap as it's falling.
Register (263 Posts)	Posted: 19-Jul-2007 20:11	Quote Edit Delete Report Post Post Reply
Register (263 Posts)	Toilet Etiquette http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzO1mCAVyMw
nlgbbbblth (3,600 Posts)	Posted: 19-Jul-2007 20:31	Quote Edit Delete Report Post Post Reply
nlgbbbblth (3,600 Posts)	There was a phantom seat-pser in my building at work. Stopped when I put up signs in all the cubicles. +++++++ please LIFT the seat before use and FLUSH the toilet afterwards. underneath were dictionary definitions of the words lift and flush. People who ps on seats deserve to be castrated with a hedge-clippers.
An-Maor (1,690 Posts)	Posted: 19-Jul-2007 20:33	Quote Edit Delete Report Post Post Reply
An-Maor (1,690 Posts)	When I was a youngster there was a period at home, where from time to time, there would be sh*te marks on the front of the toilet seat. I walked into the toilet one evening to see my younger brother "Stradling" the toilet. He was sat on the toilet backwards, holding on to the cistern as he did his business. Laughed my head off, can still picture the scene !!
Stool Pigeon (3,128 Posts)	Posted: 19-Jul-2007 20:40	Quote Edit Delete Report Post Post Reply
Stool Pigeon (3,128 Posts)	Originally posted by JoNinety: A lot of people have those wooden toilet seats which are too thick for the toilet seat to stay up on it's own accord so you're left with a dilemma. 1. Sit down to go for a pss. 2. Go for a pss with the toilet seat down and either get very close to the target to guarantee accuracy or pss as normal and just wipe up after you 3. Pss one handed with the other hand used to keep the toilet seat up or the one I use.... 4. Stand to the side, using your right knee to keep the toilet seat up. At first you get a bit disorientated with this new position but after a while you find it very handy especially if you're one of those people like me who's accuracy is usually good along the Y-axis and it's the X-axis that causes you difficulty. An even bigger dilemma is where the toilet seat just barely stays up but it's like balancing a golf ball on top of another. You think it's safe to continue if the seat stays up for two seconds, but invariably the toilet seat comes crashing down while you're in full flow. As the seat falls the stream of urine gets deflected in all directions, you panic and try and grab the seat but now your urine isn't being directed so goes everywhere like an out of control fireman's hose, you're too slow to catch it and the seat hits the porcelain with a crack that can be heard throughout the whole house, so you come downstairs after creating a huge racket, wetting the floor and the toilet seat, a wet patch in your pants and to the top it all off the toilet seat gives your mickey a slap as it's falling. Brilliant Jo.
Bandage (2,059 Posts)	Posted: 19-Jul-2007 20:42	Quote Edit Delete Report Post Post Reply
Bandage (2,059 Posts)	Originally posted by JoNinety: A lot of people have those wooden toilet seats which are too thick for the toilet seat to stay up on it's own accord so you're left with a dilemma. 1. Sit down to go for a pss. 2. Go for a pss with the toilet seat down and either get very close to the target to guarantee accuracy or pss as normal and just wipe up after you 3. Pss one handed with the other hand used to keep the toilet seat up or the one I use.... 4. Stand to the side, using your right knee to keep the toilet seat up. At first you get a bit disorientated with this new position but after a while you find it very handy especially if you're one of those people like me who's accuracy is usually good along the Y-axis and it's the X-axis that causes you difficulty. An even bigger dilemma is where the toilet seat just barely stays up but it's like balancing a golf ball on top of another. You think it's safe to continue if the seat stays up for two seconds, but invariably the toilet seat comes crashing down while you're in full flow. As the seat falls the stream of urine gets deflected in all directions, you panic and try and grab the seat but now your urine isn't being directed so goes everywhere like an out of control fireman's hose, you're too slow to catch it and the seat hits the porcelain with a crack that can be heard throughout the whole house, so you come downstairs after creating a huge racket, wetting the floor and the toilet seat, a wet patch in your pants and to the top it all off the toilet seat gives your mickey a slap as it's falling. Belter. There's very interesting theories in there too. An-Maor: there's a name for the style your brother adopted - can't for the life of me think what it is though.
Sobmeister (336 Posts)	Posted: 19-Jul-2007 21:36	Quote Edit Delete Report Post Post Reply
Sobmeister (336 Posts)	hahahahahaha!!! don't think i've laughed so much in years!
Garda Sean Horgan (Power User)	Posted: 20-Jul-2007 08:43	Quote Edit Delete Report Post Post Reply
Garda Sean Horgan (Power User)	Any state run organisation seem to have a deal with the toilet roll makers who also produce grease proof paper. You come of of the bog with about 40 paper cuts on your hole and it's stinging due to the vapour or splashback. I try to wait until I get home to release the brown hostages. Yours in oversharing? GSH.
Poocher 14 (850 Posts)	Posted: 20-Jul-2007 12:30	Quote Edit Delete Report Post Post Reply
Poocher 14 (850 Posts)	One thing gets me about toilets. Fellas bringing papers/food/drink in with them. Papers going in I have no problem with, but there is something about a paper being brought back out after a parking session that gets me, they are a bit musky or something, just leave them in there or bin them. Food and drink is self explanatory, but the number of times I have seen boys bring a pint into the jacks is wild. One fella in my work brings his coffee in and back out again, fcuking revolting. At an English football ground once I witness a man walk into a trap with a foot long hotdog and emerge several minutes later, after a serious of disturbing noises with a half eaten one. Foul. A few years back I had a whirlwind romance with a young one from derry, were only going out a couple of months we decided to head abroad for a week. Arrived in Greece to find we were stuck in studio apartment with just two beds and a bog. You could hear and smell every thing from the toilet, so the first sit down was awkward enough for me, but I felt really sorry for her . I would say she held in a turd for at least 3 days and only took the plunge one day I headed out to pick up some breakfast. When I returned the studio smelt like a combination of sh*t, air freshener, perfume and sun cream. She didn’t say anything but I could tell she was really annoyed/ embarrassed, she hardly spoke for a couple of hours.
Poocher 14 (850 Posts)	Posted: 20-Jul-2007 12:33	Quote Edit Delete Report Post Post Reply
Poocher 14 (850 Posts)	Just read that post Jo90, absolute classic, hahahahah
JohnneyCool (2,069 Posts)	Posted: 20-Jul-2007 13:40	Quote Edit Delete Report Post Post Reply
JohnneyCool (2,069 Posts)	Originally posted by Poocher 14: Just read that post Jo90, absolute classic, hahahahah I know us males in general get a bad press about psing on toilet seats and even the floor but as Joe90 says the wooden toilet seat is the bain of many's a man. Carpeted toilet floors or those specially designed toilet carpets that fitted around the base of the bowl are surely a big no no nowadays, but the odd student house used to have it back in the day. As for my own personal toilet etiquette I normally take a fresh flush, wipe the toilet seat with some bog roll, then line the water surface with more bog roll to increase the surface tension and prevent splashback. There's nothing worse than wet cheeks. At work we've a hygiene freak who won't use a toilet unless the doors swing out on the way out, that way he can hit the door with his foot or shoulder after he washes his hands as he too has an issue with people not washing their hands. Another lad can't ps if anyone else is in the toilet, stage fright.. There's another great big lad who is so regular you can set your watch by him, 9.30am every morning.
Sangster (69 Posts)	Posted: 20-Jul-2007 14:23	Quote Edit Delete Report Post Post Reply
Sangster (69 Posts)	A big problem in our jacks seems to be lads taking a seat and wiping snots all over the cubible walls.
An-Maor (1,690 Posts)	Posted: 20-Jul-2007 14:30	Quote Edit Delete Report Post Post Reply
An-Maor (1,690 Posts)	Many moons ago I was a bus conductor. I'll always remember one lunchtime in the CIE canteen in Marlborough Street. One lad, moans and groans about his inards and informs us that hes going for a shte. He comes back singing the glory of the lad who had been in the jacks before him... "Lads, went in and jaysus whats looking up at me from the bowl, only a big sod of turf, it was massive I tell ya lads he must have had some hole to get that out of him" For the rest of the day the lad was singing the praises of the previous occupant, "some hole, jayus some hole lads, some f*kin hole yer man must have had.."

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